Happy New Year's Eve!

Thanks to fellow Phillies fan MIKE for this picture!

2010 was a pretty good year for me.  All three of my favorite baseball teams made it into the playoffs.  The Lost finale happened, answering...well, some of my burning questions about the show (and yeah, I'm still obsessing over Lost).  I met my amazing boyfriend.  I met some of my very favorite baseball players: Roy Halladay (above, and not a hockey player--he plays baseball), Cole Hamels (again), and Justin Morneau, among others.  I'm close to finishing the first draft of my first book.  I'm also doing some writing over here.  I saw my first Muse show...and my second one, too. 

I'm looking forward to 2011, though.  I'm excited for a year of the Phillies having the best pitching rotation in baseball, a year of not only writing more stuff but (gasp!) actually finishing a novel, and spending more time with family/boyfriend/friends.  My top New Year's resolution is, of course, to finish the first novel (and then to try to find an agent while also trying to write the three other books that are currently bouncing around in my brain).  What are your resolutions for the new year?

Happy New Year to all my Red Pen, Inc. readers!  Best wishes to you and yours for a happy and healthy 2011.  I'll be back next week with more bad grammar for you to giggle at.  :)

We have cut flowers...and bad writing skills!

This sign is nothing short of amazing, although I don't necessarily mean it's amazing in a good way.  We've got a misspelled word, agreement issues (unless they really did cut just one flower, in which case I suppose that phrasing is OK), and strange spacing (although "in" and "side" are both words, in this case it should be "inside," with no spaces).

But hey, at least the "NO DOGS" sign below it has no errors, right?  *rolls eyes*

Thanks, MICHAEL, for sending in this picture!

HUMP DAY GRAMMAR: December 29, 2010

OK, you guys, I'm starting to get worried that this "ho-made" thing is an epidemic.  What is it with this error being freakin' everywhere lately?  A couple weeks ago I posted about this lovely instance of something being "ho-made"...it wasn't the first time I posted about "ho-made" stuff, either.  Nor, as today's post proves, is it the last.

At least whoever advertised the "ho-made" sauerkraut is consistent, right?  *headdesk*  Thanks to STEVE for spotting these!

In only-very-loosely-related news regarding things that are homemade (as in, I write them at home) but certainly not "ho-made" (because I'm not a ho, thankyouverymuch), I'm doing some writing for Examiner.com.  I'm the NY Beauty Products Examiner...those of you who know me outside of the blog (and especially for those of you who know me and who have actually seen my house and the insane amount of makeup and skincare products it contains) know this is the perfect little side gig for me.  I'm kind of a beauty junkie...OK, that's an understatement.  Anyway, this is my home page on Examiner, and if you're also interested in beauty and skincare, I'd love it if you check out some of my articles there!  I write about fun stuff like amazing mascaras, sweet-smelling skincare, kickass cleansers, and beauty deals, among other things.  Enjoy!

TO/TOO/TWO TUESDAY: December 28, 2010

So Christmas in Pennsylvania went well--my parents and boyfriend all seemed to like each other (yay!), I had a nice time with my boyfriend's family, my parents' kitties were only mildly mischievous, and there was plenty of good food and fun presents.  We even managed to outrun the blizzard, leaving Saturday night instead of Sunday daytime like we'd planned, but we got back to NY before the stupid snow hit.  Oh, and I got to see the Statue of Liberty on our way around the city...from how excited I was, you'd never guess I've been living in the NY metro area for nearly 4 years now.  (When I go from NY to PA, I don't take a route that brings me past the Statue of Liberty, but the boyfriend's preferred route is the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, which brought us right by it.  Thank goodness he was driving; I had my nose pressed against the window, being all touristy and stuff!)


And now I'm back in the snowy state of New York, back at work, and back to mocking bad grammar.  It's lovely to see that some things never change...like being able to count on people making homonym errors.  That trend doesn't go away--it stays stationary!  (The sign above, however, should say stationery--you know, like paper and stuff.  But it doesn't!)


Thanks to MICHAEL for the homonym error!  And thanks to Chloe, my parents' adorable kitty, for being the subject of the most entertaining picture I took during the holidays...

(She's yawning, not screaming...I swear!)

Merry Christmas Eve!

If you haven't gotten your Christmas gifts already and you're racing out to the store momentarily, be warned--some businesses don't accept putting items on layaway.  And some of those stores are also clearly run by idiots.

This is like some sort of crappy writing triple threat.  Concerning the bigger errors, we've got a homonym error, a misspelling, and a word that should be pluralized (but isn't).  Regarding the smaller mistakes, we've got a lot of weird punctuation (the worst instance: what's up with that colon after the bastardization of "management"?) or lack of necessary punctuation, plus just generally bad, borderline incoherent writing.

Thanks to KEVIN for spotting this awful sign!

To all my Red Pen, Inc. readers who celebrate Christmas, have a merry one!  I certainly will--today is the day that Mama and Papa Grammarphile get to meet my wonderful, kickass, and very grammatically-skilled boyfriend.  I'll be in Philly celebrating the holidays with some of my very favorite people and my two favorite mischievous Christmas tree-wrecking kitties.  And to my fellow Phillies phans (and baseball lovers in general): Happy Halladays and Merry Cliffmas!  (Sorry, I know they're such bad puns, but I couldn't resist!)

I'll be back Tuesday with more crappy grammar--in the meantime, have a fun and safe holiday!

This sign is a grammarphile's nightmare.

Eek!  What a scary sign!  We've got apostrophe catastrophes, random and stupid capitalization, and what I strongly believe is a homophone error.  I suppose he could have meant personnel belongings here, but it's far more typical to see personal belongings in this context...and judging by all the other mistakes this person's made, I'm going to figure that the personnel/personal thing is likely also an error.

Thanks to KIM for spotting this one!

HUMP DAY GRAMMAR: Holiday Edition (December 22, 2010)

Santa, this sign's gonna make sweet Mrs. Claus blush...and possibly chase you around your North Pole kitchen with a rolling pin.  You freakin' man-slut, you!  How else would you get to be known as the top f*ck, hmmm?

OK, OK, I know the sign's supposed to read "flick," but...that's not what it looks like.  Not at all.  Therefore, we can mock it.  We're snarky grammarphile types; it's our job to mock such things.

Whoever made "flick" look like f*ck and committed an egregious apostrophe error ("flicks" should be apostrophe-free) most definitely deserves a bag of coal in his stocking!

Thanks to the lovely LadyStyx for spotting this holiday FAIL!

TO/TOO/TWO TUESDAY: December 21, 2010

I don't quite like the way this person rolls.  And by that I mean I'm really kind of appalled at the homonym error made by this writer or his editor.  You can definitely be a role model, but unless someone has covered you in oodles of Pillsburys (Pillsburies?), you are not a roll model.  *sigh*

Thanks to JOHN for spotting this error!

MISSPELLING MONDAY for December 20, 2010

Hmmm...I partially disagree with this "no pets" rule.  If a pet comes bearing a dictionary, or if it's trained to bark or meow upon seeing a misspelled word, then I think that pet should absolutely be allowed to be there.  Clearly someone there needs that sort of assistance...

Thanks, MICHAEL, for spotting this sign!

This really gets my goat...and it also makes me giggle.

Generally I feel like a public/pubic error is the holy grail of hilarious writing-related mistakes, but I'm starting to wonder if a scapegoats/escape goats error isn't perhaps even more funny simply because it's probably much less common than public/pubic errors...

Thanks to DAVE for spotting this one!

HUMP DAY GRAMMAR: December 15, 2010

I'm sure this godawful sentence construction must be acceptable in somebody's language...  Like theirs, perhaps:

But I can tell you this: In non-Neanderthal conversations in the English language, this is most definitely not sexy.

Happy Hump Day, you wild and crazy kids!

Voila! A spelling error!

Oh, my.  I certainly wouldn't want to be a "voilator"--whatever the hell that is--because not only would I risk being arrested, but I'd also be the victim of a typo.  Yikes!

Thanks to MICHAEL for sending this one in!

He's ba-aaaack! UnbeLEEvable!

He is NOT with the Mariners (sorry, wrong hat).  He is NOT with the Rangers (sorry, wrong logo).  He is NOT a free agent anymore (sorry, wrong contract info).  He is now a Philadelphia Phillie.

Let me repeat: CLIFF LEE is now a PHILLIE.  Again.  (You are not reading a post from 2009.  This is a post that's written in 2010 by a girl who's very, very, VERY excited about the 2011 season.)

He did not sign with the Yankees, which is where most people expected him to go.  He did not sign with the Rangers, the team he helped pitch right into the 2010 World Series.  Instead, he took less money and fewer years than those teams were offering, and took an offer from the phabulous team in the heart of the City of Brotherly Love.  He'll join an already crazy good rotation of Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels, and Roy Oswalt.

I'm so excited I can't sleep!  But instead of counting sheep tonight, I may just count the days 'til pitchers and catchers report...

I'll keep your typos with mine (Warning: Dexter finale spoilers ahead!)

Ever since Lost has been off the air (son of a bitch!), my favorite currently-airing TV show is definitely Dexter.  I watched last night's finale and was surprised--no main/good characters were killed off, the "big bad" was killed off rather efficiently, and this season had a (sort of) happy ending--well, bittersweet for Dexter, but happy for many of the other characters.  While I found some of the plot points to be predictable, I found the characters themselves to be much less predictable--and this is what made the finale enjoyable for me.

I feel like most Dexter fans disliked the season 5 finale, just from what I've read on various message boards and comments on articles and TV recaps.  I think, in those cases, they're not focused enough on character growth; they're not seeing that while the plot was somewhat predictable, each of the main characters got a little more interesting.  Dexter, who spent much of this season having utterly human emotions toward Lumen, loses her from his life (but not in the way I'd thought--I figured Deb was going to take her down by mistake, and I was so very, very wrong...and I'm glad about that).  I didn't expect Lumen to be strong enough to be able to fly out of her and Dexter's bloody little nest; I'd have thought she needed more nurturing.  

I liked how Dexter handled the blood on Quinn's shoe--messing with the blood work so that Quinn wouldn't get nailed for Liddy's murder.  Dexter, having lost two people he cared for, didn't want Deb to have to suffer the same thing.  Speaking of Deb, her character development was my favorite--instead of catching the folks who killed Jordan Chase, she just let them go.  The old Deb, the ambitious and brash to a fault Deb, would never have done that; she, too, showed her human side by empathizing with Lumen, knowing what it felt like to be a victim, and letting Lumen--without, of course, actually knowing that it was Lumen, and that it was Dexter back there with her--be empowered and have her revenge.  Deb had a level of respect for these vigilantes, and her actions toward them showed that she's matured.  And hell, I even liked LaGuerta in this episode; not only was she not being a raging bitch, but I liked the scene at the end where she and Batista promised to start over, to make things better between them.

But one thing I do not like?  When people misquote really good lines.  Or make typos that make a quote screwy.  And that's exactly what this one writer did when writing about one of Dexter's best quotes of the finale, if not one of his best during the entire five seasons to date.  It should be "Don't be sorry your darkness is gone.  I'll carry it for you--always."  It, you silly writer, not if!  *headdesk*  Way to ruin a truly excellent Dexter quote!

Fellow Dexter fans, what did you think of last night's finale?  Were you disappointed with the plot, or are you intrigued with the interesting character developments that took place?

SHOP TALK WITH THE GRAMMARPHILE: December 10, 2010

In previous editions of Shop Talk, I've been talking a lot about gift recommendations for you to buy your family and friends, but this week's edition will focus on a different thing to shop for--gifts for yourself!  Holiday parties are coming up, and I'm going to recommend some fun things for you to buy to wear to your holiday gatherings.

This post was inspired by how I have an event coming up for which I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to wear.  It's not a "I have nothing to wear" situation--I have plenty to wear.  But which outfit do I wear?  I'll be attending a happy hour with my boyfriend and his co-workers, and I want to look nice, but not overdressed or underdressed.

* If you think it's crazy that I'm already trying to plan out what to wear next week, consider this: for the past 2 weeks, I've already been trying to figure out what to wear to next year's Phillies Phestival, a charity event I attend each year.  That's not until the spring/summer, and I'm already mildly obsessing about an outfit.

My philosophy on dressing for special occasions (ie, anything that isn't work, a routine visit with a friend, etc) is this: either choose an outfit that's interesting and memorable (my favorite choices are any of my Betsey Johnson dresses) or choose a more toned-down outfit that you jazz up with one or two really snazzy accessories.  I tend to go the latter route more often--I can't wear fun, frilly Betsey dresses everywhere (I could, but I'd get some funny looks!), plus I have a ton of really cool accessories that I don't wear every day, and I tend to bring out the really nice, uber-designer stuff for more special occasions.  I might wear a black top and gray pants, but pair them with my kickass gray suede Miu Miu heels.  Or a black top and jeans and plain black heels, but wear my Alexander McQueen silk/chiffon skull scarf around my neck.  Or maybe a plain pink top with black pants and black heels, and carry a pink and black leopard print Betsey bag.  I truly believe accessories make the outfit...and that's the heart of today's Shop Talk post.  I'm going to recommend some fun statement pieces to give your outfits just the right amount of sparkle this holiday season.  All of my recommendations today come from endless.com--I love that site because they offer free overnight or 2-day shipping on nearly everything.  So if you're looking for a last-minute little something to jazz up your outfit, endless.com is the perfect place to go!

Today I'll be recommending items in three categories: shoes, handbags, and jewelry.  Let's start with my picks for jewelry:

* I love this Kate Spade Jingle Bells gold cluster ring!  You won't be sneaking up on anyone while wearing it, but it's both festive and classy at the same time.

* This is perfect for your New Year's festivities.  This Kate Spade "This Year I Will" gold bangle bracelet has cute resolutions (like "fall head over heels" and "read the classics") inscribed on it!  Absolutely adorable.

* This Kenneth Cole cocktail ring is beautiful!  It reminds me of a cold, starlit winter sky.  A gorgeous statement cocktail ring, sparkly but not too over-the-top.

Now let's move on to handbags...

*I love this Jessica Simpson "VIP Lady" clutch; the shimmer and texture make it a really fun little bag.  It's a bright, shiny red for the holidays, but once the holidays are over, you could take this plenty of other places, too.

* This BCBGeneration sequined fold-over clutch is gorgeous, festive, and reasonably priced.  I like the black/gold one best, but they also make it in magenta/silver and nude/silver.

* I've seen this beautiful Juicy Couture shimmer quilted wristlet at Bloomingdale's, and I can't stop petting it every time I go by.  The material is so soft, and the sparkle is so much fun!  They have this in a couple colors, but I think the light pink is the most fun.

And now let's talk about my favorite accessory...shoes!

* As many of you know, I'm a stiletto addict.  I'm also a Betsey Johnson addict.  And if I was going to a party and had a little black dress (or possibly a little silver dress) to wear, I'd wear these amazing shoes.  The cluster at the front of the shoe looks like snowflakes, and the color of these shoes is just gorgeous!

*I am also a Marc Jacobs addict--so of course I'm going to show you two kickass pairs of Marc Jacobs shoes.  For those who like heels, these lip-print ones are totally saucy--and for those who like flats, these are seriously the cutest freakin' flats I have ever seen!

*I love this Kate Spade "Abbie" flat...and I hardly ever love flats.  I also have to say that Kate Spade makes some of the most comfortable designer shoes--I own a pair of basic black peep-toe wedge heels I couldn't live without!  If you're standing around all night at a party, your feet will be happy in Kate Spade's shoes.  They make this Abbie in black, gray, and this cool magenta color--I think the magenta, with its multicolored bauble, is the most festive!

Hopefully these recommendations will be useful to you when you're planning your next party outfit!  And if you're looking for some quick style tips, I highly recommend checking out Magpie Style--she's got an excellent blog (no grammar snafus there--she's a good writer!) and has a lot of great style tips!

In praise of idiots.

So last night I was reading through the recent keywords people used to get to this lovely website of mine. I saw that someone got here using the keywords "flaming yon." I was like, "What the hell is a flaming yon?" Then I said "flaming yon" faster...and it hit me. The person meant to type "filet mignon." At first I wanted to *headdesk*, but then I wanted to giggle...and so I did indeed giggle.  A lot, in fact.  Because "flaming yon" really is kinda hilarious, isn't it?

If you see or talk to an idiot today, make sure to thank that idiot for his or her service.  While idiots can often be annoying (especially if they're pooping where they shouldn't be pooping), even more often, they make us laugh.  And who doesn't need a good laugh (or several) lately?  Please make sure to express your gratitude to idiots for being unintentionally entertaining.

To any idiots who may have stumbled upon this blog, I truly appreciate your idiocy.  Without people like you making signs and writing stuff in internet forums, I'd have far fewer writing-related errors for this blog.  Also, we're not laughing at you--we're laughing with you.  Really!  (Well, sometimes...)

Thanks to MAGGIE for sending in today's featured picture!

HUMP DAY GRAMMAR: December 8, 2010

I'd be a little skeptical about eating anything "ho-made."  If the ho didn't wash her hands before preparing that sauce, who knows what sort of germs have worked their way into it?  Now if the sauce was homemade, I'd be a lot less nervous about trying some...

Thanks to LadyStyx for spotting this grammar FAIL!  Also, if you've got a ho and she likes to make stuff in the kitchen, I think she'd look great in one of these...  ;)

TO/TOO/TWO TUESDAY: December 7, 2010

I freakin' hate this type of homonym error.  It always prompts me to think "their obese what?"...but there is no "what" in this case.  There's just an idiot who can't figure out his or her homonyms and doesn't realize that this sort of thing isn't something spell-checker can fix.  Seriously, though, having this sort of mistake in a headline is really inexcusable.  Headlines are big!  They have to be the quickest and easiest things to proofread since they're generally short and easy to read, right?

Thanks to AMY for spotting this error!

MISSPELLING MONDAY: December 6, 2010

And in related news, Yahoo must have been burglarized by thieves who swiped all the dictionaries in their office.  I'm being kind and hoping/pretending that this must be their excuse for making such a silly error.  It couldn't possibly be because they're just a bunch of silly ol' yahoos, right?  ;) 

SHOP TALK WITH THE GRAMMARPHILE: December 3, 2010

Less than a month 'til Christmas--that's craziness!  I'd ask where the time went, but for me the answer's pretty clear--the time flew by mostly due to baseball season, my #1 biggest distraction!


That being said, baseball did not distract me from shopping.  I'm proud to report that all the gifts I needed to buy are bought and in my house, with a couple extra gifts bought in case I need a quick, small gift for something unexpected.  None of them are wrapped or bagged yet--but the gifts have been bought, the trimmings/wrapping have been bought, and all I've gotta do it put it all together.  Phew!  I have one gift left to make (I have the materials, but I'm going to be extraordinarily picky about the creation of this gift--both because I'm a perfectionist and because that gift is for someone very special), and I also have one gift to glitterfy (one of my friends is morally opposed to glitter, which means his present needs to be freakin' teeming with it.  'Tis the season to be kind and evil all at the same time!).


But I realize that you, dear readers, are probably not done your shopping yet.  I also realize that many of you are female and are trying to figure out exactly the right thing to get your male counterpart.  Now, this year it was fairly easy for me to come up with good gifts for my boyfriend (I put a lot of thought into it--bought him a couple things I think he'll like, and he's also the recipient of the aforementioned creative gift that I'm making), but it hasn't always been so easy to figure out good gifts for guys.  So the theme of this week's Shop Talk with The Grammarphile is...

GREAT GIFTS FOR YOUR GUY

(I realize this sounds like a headline from some silly women's magazine, but whatever.  I swear I won't start posting about embarrassing period stories or vajazzling.  Promise!)


If your man digs sports...
* Today is the last day to take 40% off custom adult jerseys at MLB.com!
* Can't decide on a jersey he'd like?  Get him a gift card to MLB.com instead--he can use it to purchase anything on MLB.com or to purchase tickets to see select teams.
* Oh, that's right--there are other sports besides baseball!  For a limited time, NFL.com is offering 15% off all apparel!
* Looking for a unique gift--perhaps an autographed or game-used item?  I recommend Steiner Sports.


If your guy's a fashion plate...
* This Invicta Men's 0394 Russian Diver Collection Combat Edition Black Polyurethane Watch is currently on sale for $119.99, down from $475.01.  That's a savings of 80%!  I love this watch--it's sharp, sleek, and stylish.
* If he'd like a less sleek, more gadgety-looking watch, this Stuhrling Original Men's Winchester 44 Automatic Skeleton Black Dial Watch is another nice choice.  It's $139.29, down from $355.71 (72% discount).
* You don't want him to go snowblind--so why not go for a nice pair of sunglasses?  These snazzy Diesel sunglasses are on sale right now (from $69.32 to $74.89, down from $125).  You'll get free 2-day shipping, too!
* This navy blue Matt & Nat teller wallet is very sleek-looking--and on sale!  Just $41.25, down from $75, and you get free 2-day shipping.


If he's a creative cook...
* Do you fondue?  If not, you should try it (I love making my own fondue--from cheese fondue to chocolate fondue--and finding interesting things to dip in the pot)!  This festive, red Swissmar Sierra 11-Piece Meat Fondue set is awesome--perfect for a romantic meal for two or a dinner with a couple close friends!
* Making your own sushi would be a fun culinary adventure.  This Sushi Chef Sushi Making set will give you all you need to try it for yourself!
* This holiday season, give the gift of caffeine!  Seriously, how freakin' cool is this Bodum Santos Stovetop Glass Vacuum 34-Ounce Coffee Maker that comes with two heated mugs?  I'm a tea fanatic, not a coffee drinker, and even I would be curious to try this! 

Happy shopping, everyone!  :)

Sleep deprivation? I know absolutely *nothing* about that...

Today's post is brought to you by the letter Z.  Because, well, I want some Z's.  Many of them, in fact.  Like at least this many: Zzzzzz...

Last night, my trusty computer of 7 years died.  After the initial panic, I went to Best Buy and bought a new one, replacing the old (and now-dead) desktop with a shiny new laptop.  Then I was up half the night doing all manner of computer-related things, from writing emails to writing to favorite ballplayers to designing merch for Red Pen, Inc's online store and then blogging about it...yeah, you get the idea.  I seriously have no idea where the energy comes from, but I suppose I'm glad I have it!

That being said, I'm exhausted.  I want some sleep.  Not at night, though--that's when I'm most creative and/or all the fun and exciting stuff happens.  I want sleep now.  Yes, in the middle of the workday.  I'm seriously considering a catnap in my car.  So I figured a sleep-related error was appropriate today with the mindset I'm in.  (For the record, the article should have said "week's worth.")

Hmmm...do work or take a little catnap?  Seems like a no-brainer to me...  ;)

New stuff! More stuff! Edgier stuff! (And lower prices, too!)

With the holidays here (happy Hanukkah!) and/or just around the corner (Christmas shoppers, I'm talkin' to you), I figured it was about time to update Red Pen Couture, the official shop of Red Pen, Inc.  Seriously, who wouldn't want their stocking stuffed with grammar-related goodness?

The older Red Pen Couture designs were cute, but...very cutesy.  I've added edgier items like the Grammar Bitch apron, the Grammar Slut thong, and the Grammar Slut thermos bottle, which I know you're just gonna use as a big flask, you freakin' hussy.

If you're still looking for cutesy stuff, this new "I kissed a grammarphile...and I liked it!" tank top is adorable.  So is the pink Grammar Slut tote bag (for carting around those guilty pleasure trashy romance novels...that you mark up with a red pen). 

Menfolk, never fear--I didn't forget about you!  Indulge your geeky side with a Grammar Wizard T-shirt or a Grammar Wars T-shirt (comes in such a pretty blue!).

If there's a grammar fiend/freak/slut/geek/etc in your life and you still don't have a holiday gift for 'em, peruse Red Pen Couture for a present that's the perfect combination of stylish, snarky, and slightly geeky!

HUMP DAY GRAMMAR for December 1, 2010

I had to pinch myself after reading this Yahoo question to make sure I wasn't in the middle of some crazy nightmare where people are really this freakin' stupid.

Sadly, it wasn't a dream--it's reality.  Some moron actually tried to make a penis-shaped cookie using his penis.  How stupid is this person?  Let me count the ways:

1. His gift-giving skills are clearly a little off.  

2. He doesn't know when he should be using hyphens.

3. He's too dumb to be careful while there's a sharp object around his penis.

4. He put his penis near the sharp object by his own free will.

5. He doesn't understand that if he actually named his penis Willy, then "Willy" should be capitalized.  If he doesn't consider that a proper noun, then he should have said "my willy."

6. I'm sure there are other ways this person's stupid, but I think I've made my point.

Also, is it really necessary to use a steak knife to cut through dough?  Why didn't this idiot use a butter knife?  If he'd nicked himself with that, I doubt the cut would have been as bad.  (Oh, wait, he's an idiot.  That's why he didn't use a butter knife.)

By the way, how does this dude have a girlfriend?  Seriously, how?

Happy Hump Day, folks.  Please keep your willies and all other genitalia away from the kitchen utensils.  This has been a public service announcement from The Grammarphile.