Actually, what they really need is Misspelling Reduction Technology Plus...

However, there's hardly a chance that you won't notice the misspelling in the ad.  ;)  (They spelled "hardly" properly in 50% of its appearances in the ad.  But 50% still equals failure...)

Thanks, COLE, for spotting this one!

MISSPELLING MONDAY for November 29, 2010

I'm feeling a little bit snarky today.  That frequently happens on days whose names end in the letter y, but especially on the first day back at work after not being there for 5 days.  But this person at their job--man, he or she is out-snarking me today with this passive-aggressive sign.

I really get a kick out of the sign's misspelling (it should be solely, not "souly"), but even more than that, I love the way this sign ends.  Your friendly neighborhood uptown...what?  What word goes after "uptown"?  Did someone get so hungry waiting for their food that they decided to get some fiber in their diet by biting off the bottom of the sign?  I wish I knew what the rest of the sign said.  Your friendly neighborhood uptown...passive-aggressive eatery, perhaps?

Thanks, ELIZABETH, for sending in this picture!

SHOP TALK WITH THE GRAMMARPHILE--Black Friday edition!

It's Black Friday!  This is the one day of the year I don't mind getting up early.  Waking up at still dark o'clock is worth it--Black Friday is a truly incredible day for bargains!


Mama Grammarphile and I are headed to the outlets today.  But never fear--I have compiled a list of Black Friday specials from my two favorite online retailers, Amazon.com (books, music, gadgets, and pretty much everything you could ever want) and Endless.com (shoes and handbags and jewelry, oh my)!  This will come in handy if you don't feel like braving the Black Friday crowds, or if, after a looooooong day of shopping at the mall, you come home and realize you still need to check a few folks off your holiday gift list.


Endless.com Black Friday/Cyber Monday sale details* :


Nov. 25-27 (Thanksgiving weekend sale) – 30% off regular-price boots, slippers and athletic shoe styles, as well as accessories, including watches and jewelry from endless.com's newly launched jewelry category


Nov. 28-29 (Cyber Monday Sale) – discounts include $30 off $100 orders, $60 off $200 orders and $100 off $300 orders


(* lovingly swiped from Shopping Blog)
 
And click here for some coupon codes for Endless.com!
 
 
 
Amazon.com Black Friday/Cyber Monday sale info:
 
* Click here for their "lightning deals" (warning--these can go fast!).
 
* Some of the best Amazon.com deals on bigger-ticket items include:
   
--Big savings on the Nikon D3100 camera

--Buy a Qualifying Sony 3D HDTV like this one, get a free PlayStation 3 and 3D Deluxe Starter Kit


--Get 45% off Garmin nüvi 265W/265WT 4.3-Inch Widescreen Bluetooth Portable GPS Navigator with Traffic and 50% off TomTom XXL 540TM 5-Inch Widescreen Portable GPS Navigator (Lifetime Traffic & Maps Edition)


--Techie types or those in need of backing up a whole lotta stuff on your 'puter, get this Toshiba 500 GB Hard Drive for just $49.99 (that's 42% off)


--Click here for a full listing of Amazon.com's deals, and click here to shop at Amazon.com


Happy shopping!  If you got a great bargain anywhere, make sure to tell me all about it in the Comments section!

Happy Thanksgiving from Red Pen, Inc.

It was very nice of this person to try to explain how to make a kickass Thanksgiving turkey.  I sincerely hope this person is much, much, much better at cooking than she is at writing and spelling.  I'm thinking there are two turkeys in that kitchen--the one in the oven and the one explaining how to cook the bird!

Happy Thanksgiving to all my lovely, loyal RPI readers!  I hope you have a fun, safe, and delicious day with your friends and family. 

HUMP DAY GRAMMAR for November 24, 2010

First and foremost--I'd like to wish a happy birthday to Mama Grammarphile!  She's so very lucky to have her birthday fall on a Hump Day, because Hump Day is, by definition, the most fun day of the week!

Speaking of Hump Day--if you don't want the TSA scanners seeing the parts with which you hump, somebody's invented a solution for you!  You can buy these crazy-looking undergarments that have protective fig leaves (not leafs, dammit--leaves) on them if you know you'll feel particularly modest while going through the body scanner.  Then the scanners won't be able to see your naughty bits.  These wouldn't be my undergarments of choice--I'm a picky girl when it comes to my clothes, and I'd be OK with risking a little TSA exhibitionism because I chose to wear underwear that was much cuter than the stuff shown above. 

Sorry, Mama Grammarphile--I hijacked your birthday post by talking about Hump Day, naughty bits, and underwear.  I suppose this is why I'm an only child, huh (can you imagine the sort of mischief I'd have created if I'd had a sibling/sidekick)?  ;)

Anyway--happy Hump Day to all of you lovely readers!  And to Mama Grammarphile--have a very happy birthday!  I'm glad I'm in town to spend your special day with you!

www.grammarphile.com is now live!

Attention, fabulous Red Pen, Inc. readers!  Today I feel like a grown-up.  I've finally bought a freakin' domain name for this blog!

You can now access Red Pen, Inc. at www.grammarphile.com.  That's right, I'm a narcissistic little so-and-so who named her domain after herself *wink*.  You can, of course, still access RPI from redpeninc.blogspot.com, but isn't www.grammarphile.com so much more fun?

Just in case you haven't figured out yet that I'm kind of a nerd, here's proof: I actually squealed the first time I went to www.grammarphile.com and saw my blog hosted there.  :)

A tale of two signs...

Eek!  Last week, BRETT spotted this crazy sign in his apartment building.  There are so many errors squeezed into such a wee sign!

A day later, he sent this picture, remarking "Apparently I'm not the only grammarphile in my building."

While it warms my snarky little heart to know that there are grammar-focused folks out there who not only notice poorly-written signs but then take the appropriate steps to improve said signs' writing-related issues, I can't help but notice they didn't cross out the capitalized B in "Buttons."  (I don't think Freight Elevator should be capitalized, either, as I don't think it's a proper noun--but that might just be this grammar stickler's personal preference.  I know for damn sure "Buttons" should not be capitalized!) 

In any event, good job, junior grammarphile vigilante types--and thanks, BRETT, for these photos!

MISSPELLING MONDAY for November 22, 2010

I've been doing a lot of posts lately on holiday gift and shopping recommendations.  But here's something I'd recommend not buying: any books from this company.  Because really, if this company employs such crappy proofreaders and/or doesn't see anything wrong with spelling the word literature as "literture," are you confident in giving these books to your child so that he or she can become a better reader?

Also, for your Monday afternoon enjoyment--here's a hilarious, badly written passive-aggressive note.  Enjoy!

It's a mad [grammar] world...

Well, this is a new phrase....and since the person used it twice, I think it's a legitimate mistake on his or her part, not just a momentary slip of the person's grammar skills.

I've heard of asking stuff like "What all do I need?" which also isn't really proper grammar--but it's colloquial, and although it sounds a bit awkward, it's a phrase we all understand when we hear it...so it doesn't matter as much that it's not the best grammar.  But "what I all need" is a new one...and a particularly screwy one.  You, question-asker, are one person.  You aren't an "all."  I can understand asking "What do we all need..." (that would be absolutely fine, grammar-wise!), but this "I all" stuff is most definitely not fine.  This Grammarphile does not approve!

Also, I'm not sure the person who answered the question-asker's question could have given a more bland answer.  Had I been the one to answer that question, I'd have said "Glitter, fun eye makeup, dark nail polish...and more glitter, dammit!!!"

SHOP TALK WITH THE GRAMMARPHILE for November 19, 2010

Holy crap, you guys.  Thanksgiving's almost here!  In just a few short days, I'll be headed to Philly to spend Mama Grammarphile's birthday with her and spend several fun days with my parents and their two adorable kitties.  I will inevitably stuff myself full of good food and buy something fun but that I don't really need on Black Friday; this is what I do every year at Thanksgiving.

But once Thanksgiving's over, we're in the thick of the holiday season.  Things to bake, gifts to buy, parties to attend or host, ugly holiday sweaters to wear (OK, I'm kidding on that last part--I'd rather run around naked than wear an ugly sweater...and if you, dear readers, love your tacky holiday sweaters, you may wish to keep that info to yourself, haha!).  Are you prepared?  I am...somewhat.  But only somewhat.  Today's Shop Talk focuses on various things you'll need to prepare for the holiday season...

GIFTS, GOODIES, AND GOOD-SMELLING STUFF

GOODIES.  If you're hosting a holiday gathering, you need to have yummy things on hand.  And if you're attending someone else's holiday gathering, you may wish to bring along a little something edible to contribute to the party or as a hostess gift.  Or, if you have a potluck for work and you don't have the time to bake or cook, you're going to be in need of good food to bring along.  Here are my recommendations for delicious goodies sure to make friends, family, and co-workers drool:

* Chocolate oranges.  Why do these things always pop up around the holidays, and you cant find them any other time?  Regardless, they're yummy (and they make great stocking stuffers).

* Holiday teas.  This Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride tea is making my mouth water!  And who doesn't love a good cup of Chai tea on a cold winter night (Stash always makes fantastic teas--I've never met one I didn't like).

* Sets of cheese, meat, and crackers.  I can't resist those Hickory Farms types of displays in the mall (and now there's Hickory Farms stuff at Target, too...it's everywhere!).  Stuck on what to bring to a potluck or family gathering?  One of these sets will please even the pickiest eater; they feature something for everyone.  They're also a good thing to mail to a loved one you won't be able to see over the holidays--they won't go bad in the mail, and you'll know the people you care about will have a very savory snack (or several!).

* Coffee.  Duh--you need caffeine around the busy holidays!  I am not a coffee drinker myself (I may be the only writer who doesn't drink coffee!), but everyone else I know does.  This adorable 12 Coffees of Christmas set is cute enough to make even a devoted tea drinker wonder if perhaps she should try a cuppa...

* Cookies.  Holidays are a great excuse to eat lots of cookies (you can make your New Year's resolution to avoid cookies in a couple months--so eat up while you can!).  Plus, if you live in a house with small children, and those small children believe in the magic of Santa Claus, I hear Santa gives extra special attention to kids who leave out cookies for him on his busiest night of the year.  ;)  These Old-Fashioned Holiday Cookies offer a large variety for everyone...and they look absolutely delish!


GIFTS.  Besides the gifts you always buy for friends and family, you're going to need to have some other gifts on hand, too.  It's always good to have some relatively inexpensive but fun gifts around for those opportunities for which you never remember to buy gifts.  For example: office pollyanna, neighbor, mailman, your child's teacher and/or bus driver, hostess gifts for parties, and your boss.  I'd also recommend keeping a couple spare gifts on hand in case anyone unexpectedly gives you a present and you'd like to return the favor.  Here are my recommendations for inexpensive, fun token gifts:

* Philosophy's "Share the Joy" set.  At $36, this gives you 4 or 8 small gifts for friends or co-workers.  It's a pack of 4 3-in-1s (shampoo/bubble bath/body wash) and 4 lip glosses (candy cane, peppermint bark, bubbly, and cinnamon buns).  You can give 4 gifts (a 3-in-1 paired with its corresponding lip gloss) or 8 gifts (one lip gloss or one bottle of 3-in-1 per person).  For the quality of Philosophy's stuff, this is an excellent bargain.  (For my co-workers, I broke up a bunch of gift sets of Philosophy things and am putting the individual items in the cutest little holiday-themed treat bags--I know my female co-workers will love these gifts!)

* This Yankee Candle Company Holiday Jar Candle Set, a gift box containing 3 jar candles (Christmas Cookie, Home for the Holidays, and Balsam & Cedar) is also a great bargain.  You can either give the entire set as a gift, or you can break the set apart to give three smaller gifts.  (Can you tell I'm a huge fan of breaking gift sets up to create multiple gifts?  There seems to be a theme here...)

* If you have no idea what to get someone, or just want to stash a few spare gender-neutral gifts around the house for those "just in case" moments, an Amazon.com gift card is a great idea.  No matter what they like to read, listen to, play, etc, they'll be able to find something that meets their interests at Amazon.  You can purchase gift cards in denominations from $10 to $1,000, so you can tailor this gift card to suit your budget at any level.


GOOD-SMELLING STUFF.  Nothing puts me in a holiday state of mind more than smelling holiday-related scents.  Gingerbread, evergreen, candy cane...  The scents of the season will make even the Grinchiest of us smile.  Below, my recommendations for products sure to stir your senses in December:

* Philosophy's Holiday Greetings set.  At just $22, this is a bargain for all the delicious stuff packed inside the cute little mailbox-shaped box.  Coconut macaroon body butter, brown butter cookie 3-in-1 (shampoo, body wash, bubble bath), and a sparkly and delicious Pink Frosted Cookie lip gloss make for a totally delicious but calorie-free combination!

* This candle features two of the best holiday scents, all in one jar: Cranberry Peppermint!  Yum, yum, YUM. 

* Both men and women will smile using this Holiday Gingerbread Man Glycerin Soap!  He's just too cute...and he'll leave your skin smelling soft and scrumptious!


Happy shopping/baking/gifting/sniffing your delicious-smelling selves, everyone!  :)

Punctuationally-challenged people are a pain in my...colon.

What is it with screwy punctuation lately?  Are commas and apostrophes really that tough to understand/use correctly?

Even certain blogs whose mechanics are usually pretty decent are having punctuation problems lately...

(It should be Facebook's CEO, not Facebook CEO's.  The CEO isn't possessing anything here...well, except an affinity for Asian females!)

There are days when I wish people would have to pass a grammar and mechanics test to use the internet...but then I remember that if that were the case, I wouldn't have as much material for this blog.  So, um, thanks, you punctuation punks...even though you consistently make me want to scream and/or bang my head on my desk.

Thanks to JENNY for sending in the top photo!

Double the Hump Day posts, double your fun!

Well, I guess we know what this writer has on the brain today... (In case it's too small for you to read, the underlined word is "Wrtiters," which makes me...titter!)

I don't think about boobs often; I'm a straight girl with no real interest in boobs except for making sure that my own look nice in whatever outfits I'm wearing (and trying not to bust tank tops with my chest).  And I can guarantee you that whenever I'm thinking about baseball, I'm not also thinking about boobs (unless I'm having a thought like "Delmon Young, you freakin' boob, why didn't you CATCH THAT BALL???"). 

When I'm thinking about baseball, I'm thinking about stuff like this...

(Actually, I'm not just thinking about how gorgeous some of them are.  I'm thinking about their stats, whether they're gonna hit that ball outta the park, whether they'd be a good addition to my fantasy team, etc.)

Apparently the same is not true for the aforementioned baseball writer who's got boobs, not baseball, on the brain!  As for me, I just have baseball sideburns on the brain *swoon*...

HUMP DAY GRAMMAR for November 17, 2010

Clowns are kinda creepy in general.  But it's even creepier to envision the clown banging Sally...and that somebody thinks this is fantastic entertainment for the entire family.  (My family seems so uninteresting in comparison...our entertainment consists of baseball games, mini-golf, and other wholesome activities.)

"Member of the Red Nose Ranch"...seems like whoever wrote this ad should be a member of the Red Face Ranch.  Seriously, how can you write something like this and not be embarrassed about it? 

Thanks to CASHER for spotting this funny flyer!

TO/TOO/TWO TUESDAY for November 16, 2010

Oh, good lord.  I generally get really excited when bargain-hunters are doing bargain-hunting types of things (I'm addicted to the thrill of a good bargain chase), but this just makes me roll my eyes:

They're online looking not for sneak peeks at Black Friday ads, but sneak peaks.  What are those--stealthy mountains?  And where can you buy those on Black Friday?  (I'd like to see Walmart give free shipping on that!)

MISSPELLING MONDAY for November 15, 2010

You know, I thought "beagle" chips was a pretty funny and kinda gross misspelling, until I realized that it could always be worse...

I don't know who Doug is, but I really don't want to be involved in anything that concerns one (or more) of his nuts.  I certainly don't want to sniff anything that smells like one of his nuts.

Clearly I have no appetite for bagels or donuts today...perhaps I'll have to have Pixy Stix for a snack since I haven't managed to find any gross Pixy Stix-related misspellings yet.  Plus sugar highs are awesome, especially on Mondays! 

SHOP TALK WITH THE GRAMMARPHILE for November 12, 2010

Hi, I'm The Grammarphile, and I'm...a shopaholic.


I have a weakness for nice things.  Like really nice things*.  Fashiony things.  I get weak-kneed when I hear anyone mention the names Jacobs or McQueen.  I have stood awestruck in stores, pointing at Chanel bags, proclaiming this one or that one to be the bag of my dreams (who the hell has a bag of her dreams?  I'm half-insane...).  The girls at the Betsey Johnson outlet know me by name.  And every morning I spend way longer than I should taking stock of the day's online sample sales and other deals.

(*I'm not a total snob.  Right now I'm wearing an Express tank top and Old Navy sweater...with a Marc Jacobs scarf and 7 For All Mankind jeans.  I believe in mixing inexpensive basics with fun, eye-catching accessories.  Unless I'm dressing up for a special event--and then it's head to toe Betsey Johnson for me!--I generally wear a mix of designer and non-designer things each day.)


But just because I love fashion doesn't mean I pay top dollar for it.  I can't remember the last full-price article of clothing (or shoes, jewelry, etc) I've bought.  I am a kickass bargain-hunter, and I'm going to share my bargain-hunting secrets with you in this week's post...

GIFTS FOR THE FASHIONISTA

Finding designer goods at discount prices is much, much easier than you think--no matter where you live (thank goodness for the internet).  While I love perusing the local outlets, Marshalls, TJ Maxx, and a NY-based store called Century 21 (it's basically a HUGE Marshalls-type thing, but with higher-name brands), all the cool stuff I'm going to talk about in this post is available to purchase on the internet.


The first batch of sites I'm going to recommend is a group I'll loosely call sample sale sites.  They don't necessarily market themselves as such, but that's what they are.  I have personally used each of these sites more than once.  I've bought clothing, shoes, makeup/skincare, and accessories by Betsey Johnson, Marc Jacobs, Juicy Couture, 7 for All Mankind, Urban Decay, GoSmile, Tarte, Philosophy, Sweet Pea, and more from these sites. 


The best part?  All of these sites are FREE.  Totally free!  They'll email you once each day with a list of what sales are starting that day.  Act quickly, as they sometimes have limited quantities...and you won't want to miss out!


Here are the best of the best sample sale-style sites (and again, they're all FREE to join):


Ideeli (they also run contests in addition to sales--if you have signed up to be a member for free, then you get to enter the contests for free as well)


HauteLook


Beyond The Rack

Gilt Groupe


Rue La La


Some websites allow you to build a list of your favorite designer brands and then, each day, the site sends you an email with pictures of and links to your favorite brands on sale all over the web.  I use two such sites: Shop It To Me and My Perfect Sale.  Getting one email per day from each of these sites is much better than having to check the Saks, Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdale's, Betsey Johnson, etc... sites individually every day and muddling through them to try to find out which things are on sale.  And again, these sites are also FREE to use--and very convenient!  They've helped me find some great designer bargains (my favorite purchase so far: $70 Alexander McQueen jeans...down from $300!  That's designer jeans at mall store prices, folks!).


This next website I'm featuring offers really fun jewelry (and by "fun" I don't mean cheap--these are real stones set in gold, silver, platinum, or white gold) at wholesale prices.  I've bought a few pieces from here and have been really satisfied with all of them.  Check out JewelClub if you're looking for the BEST prices on jewelry!


Looking to pamper someone with services, not stuff?  Thinking of gifting someone with a massage or gift certificate to a local eatery?  That's where Groupon comes in handy.  I have purchased discounted massage and restaurant gift certificates for myself through Groupon.  Groupon gives you access to these services generally at about half the cost.  Now, since I'm a selfish brat, so far I've used my Groupons for myself--but you can absolutely purchase them and give them to friends and family as gifts!  In addition to discounted spa and salon services and deals at restaurants, they often offer some really interesting stuff--for instance, I purchased a discounted certificate for some pole-dancing fitness classes (which I really need to remember to use before it expires at the end of the year).


And finally, I'll tell you about my newest obsession: endless.com.  I had no idea Amazon had a sister site for fashion-related stuff, but now that I've discovered it, I can't stay away.  This site features mainly shoes, handbags, and other accessories (like sunglasses, jewelry cases, some jewelry, etc).  I bought this amazing Marc Jacobs bag for myself a couple weeks ago--not only was it cheaper than in stores like Bloomingdale's, but endless.com offered free overnight shipping!  In fact, they offer free overnight shipping for all items newly added to their site, and free two-day shipping on many other items.  Not every item on their site is on sale, but consistently saving on shipping fees, even on full-priced merchandise, will definitely save you a few bucks.


Below, check out my favorite endless.com picks/recommendations best suited for fashionistas aged anywhere between 13-40 years old or so.  Recommendations are based on product quality and price--yes, I own quite a few of these myself (and if not the actual product itself--I own multiple items from each brand I'm featuring), so I can absolutely vouch for their high quality and value for the price.  Most of these designer goodies are on sale, and all offer free overnight or free two-day shipping:









Happy shopping!  :)

ASK THE GRAMMARPHILE, 11/12/10

I'm always in search of new and interesting things to feature on Red Pen, Inc...and the other day, a little light bulb went on over my head.  This little light bulb came on courtesy of my buddy JEREMY, who asked me a grammar-related question.  I thought, hey, why not start a mailbag feature?  And so Ask The Grammarphile was born...

Q: A customer of mine called me today to tell me when he was going to pay his bill. He said that wanted to "keep me up to breast" of his situation.  The question: Is "keep me up to breast" proper or is it "keep me abreast". Google hasn't been much help here.

The Grammarphile's answer: Your customer can say he'll keep you "up to speed on the situation," or he can say that he'll keep you "abreast of the situation," but if he says he'll "keep you up to breast of the situation," he's got either Playboy or Perdue on the brain. ;) "Up to breast" is definitely not good grammar, but it certainly makes for a good giggle!

Q: You know, I didn't honestly think he was using it correctly but Google showed 14,000+ entries where someone had used "keep up to breast" exactly. So, I figured either I'm wrong or 14,000 people are wrong.  Finally, the minority wins! 

The Grammarphile's response: I think people have boobs on the brain...well, that and bad grammar.  Also, 14,000+ people are idiots.

Thanks, JEREMY, for being the first participant in Ask The Grammarphile!

Have a question for The Grammarphile?  Send it in!  (Humorous questions preferred...I try to keep the stuffiness level down around this site.  I'm a big fan of humor, snark, and mockery--I'm less of a fan of technical explanations of grammar rules.  But hey, I'll take a stab at anything you send me...)

TRN27522ZV8A

Some really #$%&ing strange punctuation...

What the #$%& is this? 

I understand using punctuation as a placeholder when you're, say, trying to determine a price for a service, figuring you'll go back and fill in the price later on.  But in order to do this successfully and not look like a #$%&ing idiot, you have to actually remember to go back and replace said placeholder with the price.

Do you think anyone showed up and tried to pay for a haircut with #$%&?  That would have been pretty #$%&ing funny.  (How do you pay someone with #$%&, anyway?  Do you just curse at them?  That's my best guess...)

Thank you (and a belated happy birthday) to MAGGIE for sending in this really #$%&ing funny flyer!

HUMP DAY GRAMMAR for November 10, 2010

So continuing with this week's trend of being incredibly destructive in the most bizarre ways...

That, my friends, is my favorite lip gloss.  Or it was my favorite lip gloss...until all the gloss came out the wrong end.  (How the hell did I manage to bust a lip gloss?  Seriously?)

I didn't want to waste the lip gloss (at $12, it's certainly not the cheapest lip gloss I own), so I got clever.  I scooped it up off my hand and into this little container...

The other side of the container holds No-Doz from lord only knows how long ago. I guess I've got one-stop shopping now...lip gloss and caffeine. Whee!  And it's better than keeping the lip gloss in the tube where it's coming out the back end.

And speaking of things that are mistakenly hangin' out in the back end (hey, it is Hump Day, after all)...

How exactly do you not know which hole it's in?  Do you mean to tell me she really...couldn't...tell? 
 
*headdesk*
 
Also: If you don't know whether or not he was wearing a condom, and if you don't even know how to correctly spell "condom," it really doesn't bode well for you, Yahoo question-asker.  It also doesn't bode well for humanity that folks like you are out there doing activities that could result in procreation...
 
Happy Hump Day, you wild and crazy kids!  :)

Ring around the rosey, pocket full of poseys...or, perhaps, *posers*?

Now, I've thought for a while that--in spite of the Giants' catcher's stellar athletic abilities--"Posey" is kind of...well, a pansy sort of last name.  Especially for a professional baseball player.  I mocked the hell out of Posey during the NLDS just because I didn't like him (to clarify, the reason I didn't like him was because he was playing pretty well against my Phillies).

But now Buster's being called something worse than a pansy.  He's a poser!  And that's what one of his own fans called him!  Bwahahahaha! 

Of course, he's a poser with a championship jersey.  Which still makes him one up on my Phillies...  *sigh*

I am the mistress of mayhem...I am the breaker of stuff.

I think I may have to give myself a new title 'round these parts.  Lately it seems less appropriate to call me The Grammarphile and more appropriate to call me Nikki, Destroyer of Pretty Much Everything. 

Earlier in the week, you may recall that I broke a bed.  And then yesterday I broke a tank top...

With my boobs.

Yeah, you read that right.

The really scary thing?  It's not the first time this year that this has happened.  Apparently my chest is a weapon of mass destruction. 

This is me, only blonder...

Anyway, so I was looking around for ways to fix a bra tank top.  And during my search, I found this smorgasbord of errors...

Now, this article is about fixing your bra, not your bra tank top.  But while my bra tank top remains broken, my issue of "What the hell do I blog about today?" has been resolved, at least.

There are tons of mistakes in the article, but my favorite errors are that the writer keeps implying that you have to fix a bra fix (no, you don't--you have to fix a bra, but you don't have to fix a fix), and that she confused razorback with racerback.  It's a bra, not a wild hog.  *headdesk*

Anyway.  I'm starting to get a little worried, seeing as how trouble comes in threes, and so far I've only broken two things.  What will the third thing be?  I'm hoping it's not a limb, a car, or anything too dangerous.  But whatever it is, I can almost guarantee you it'll provide me with an entertaining story for you...

What's pink and wooden and broken all over?

You're probably wondering what that image above is, so I'll tell you.  It's a picture of my bed...which is broken.

Now I'll give you a moment to compose yourself after either laughing hysterically or saying something along the lines of "Do I really want to know how that happened?"  No need to tell me your jokes; rest assured I've already heard 'em from various friends and family members.  So take a minute to quit giggling so you can actually focus on spelling errors, OK?  ;)

(pause)

Clearly I'm in the market for a new bed.  So I started doing some online research on mattresses, bed frames, and box springs (oh my!).  And in the process, I found...a spelling error.  (Oh, shocker.  A spelling mistake on a website?  Say it ain't so, Grammarphile!)

I thought this one was a pretty amusing error..."Posutrepedic" requires a whole extra syllable than the correct spelling of the word (Posturepedic).  Also, I can't help but think about sutures when I see this misspelling.

So yeah, after work today I'll be going out bed shopping.  The frame's not even being close to being stable right now (if I touch the footboard at all, the bed rocks like it's a little boat in the middle of the sea).  And the mattress may be nearly as old as I am, so...as long as I'm replacing the bed, I may as well replace the mattress, too.  That way, once I buy a new bed/mattress, I can have someone deliver it all at once and also take away the creaky, unstable pieces of my current bed.

Anyway, I'll be back tomorrow with more goofy grammar and whatnot...that is, if I survive another night sleeping in that creaky, swaying monstrosity above.  ;)

SHOP TALK WITH THE GRAMMARPHILE for November 5, 2010

We're coming up on the holiday season...and rather quickly.  Stores already have all their Christmas crap out, and salespeople are on overdrive.  Yesterday I got lured into Macy's because they had sparkly stuff in the front of the store.  Once I got in there, a nice but incredibly unrelenting saleswoman named Carmella tried for a good 20 minutes to talk me into buying a Coach purse (which I didn't buy--temptation, you've officially been resisted) and open up a Macy's charge card, which I really don't need or want.  She followed me around as I looked at sensible, necessary things like earmuffs and small gifts for co-workers, trying very hard to convince me to buy expensive things that I really didn't need.  It was difficult to shop in peace while being tailed by a Coach-fixated bulldog.

It was at that point that I made up my mind: No more holiday shopping for me at the mall.  No more bulldogs; no more being tailed and talked at while I browse.  No more feeling guilty walking out of a store without buying anything because I know the salesperson just wasted 20 minutes of their time talking at me and not making any commission off of it.  I'm done with the stores--bah humbug to them.  To the internet I go!

Those of you who know me personally know that I'm an expert-level shopper.  I'm really good at finding the best stuff for the best prices.  (In case you want proof: I've never paid full price for any Betsey Johnson clothing...and I have tons of it.  I think $75 was the most I've paid for a Betsey dress...down from, oh, $500 or so.  I buy $300 designer jeans for no more than $80 a pair.  The other day I got a $200 Marc Jacobs dress for $50.  I own the most gorgeous Miu Miu heels that I only paid $115 for--down from over $500--and a vintage Prada bag that I paid $250 for at an upscale consignment sale.  Et cetera.)  My shopping/bargain-hunting prowess combined with my newfound love of internet (bulldog-less) shopping has inspired me to create a new feature for Red Pen, Inc--Shop Talk with The Grammarphile!

Each week, I'll be highlighting some awesome products found on the internet for seriously awesome prices.  Don't wanna go to the mall, either?  Too tired to think up gift ideas for friends and family?  Simply stuck on what to get for that impossible-to-please person on your list?  Never fear--The Grammarphile is here (with mad shopping skills, yo!).  Each week I'll be writing a themed post featuring a selection of potential holiday gift ideas.  And this week's theme is...

Gifts for the grammarian...or the person who needs a grammar lesson

The Grammarphile's recommendations: 

1. The classic book The Elements of Style by Strunk & White--you can't go wrong with this. An excellent read.

2. But if you're in a hurry and want to find out about a grammar-related guideline right now--how about Grammar Girl's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing, on Kindle (so you can take it with you and be a grammar god or goddess on the go)?

3. Of course, in that case, you'd need a Kindle.  Seems reasonably priced for all the bells and whistles it has!

4. Buying for someone who's not old enough for a Kindle?  Your child will enjoy the Schoolhouse Rocks! Grammar Rocks CD-ROM.

5. I was an evil child--a couple times while my family and I drove somewhere on vacation, I'd sneak a kazoo into my bag and randomly start playing it from the backseat when I got bored, scaring the hell out of my parents in the process.  If you're traveling by car for the holidays and your kid wants to make some noise, why not try a grammar sing-along?  Singing along to "Grammar Songs: You Never Forget What You Sing" has to be a better option than maniacal kazoo playing, right?

6. If you're already quite good with grammar and want to write down your grammatically correct thoughts, these moleskine notebooks are a quality choice...

7. ...and what grammarian doesn't write with a red pen?  (They make great stocking stuffers...for grammarians or for teachers!)

8. Jeff Deck's an awesome dude; I've been following his work since his TEAL blogging days.  He and his buddy Benjamin Herson toured the country a while back fixing grammar errors...and now they've written a book about it--The Great Typo Hunt: Two Friends Changing the World, One Correction at a Time--which I highly recommend.

9. If you haven't submitted a picture of funny, crappy grammar to Red Pen, Inc. in a while, is your excuse that you've seen plenty of ludicrous grammar errors, but your camera just sucks?  Well, I've got the cure for that.  This little Panasonic camera is super-snazzy...and it comes in bright red, the favorite color of grammarphile types!

Happy browsing (in a bulldog-free zone), grammar friends and fiends!  Next week's installation will focus on fabulous, reasonably priced finds for the fashionista in your life...

Plagiarize this--I dare you!

Hypocrites suck, don't they?  Just ask Monica Gaudio, who wrote an article for Gode Cookery--and then had that article swiped and plagiarized by somebody over at Cooks Source magazine.  Now, the plagiarizing really isn't cool--but what makes the situation worse is that, when Gaudio confronted the plagiarist, the plagiarist actually had the nerve to criticize Gaudio's article, saying that it had originally been poorly written before she sunk her plagiaristic little claws into it, among other things.

But there's a silver lining to this crappy cloud of blatant article thievery.  The email the plagiarist wrote to Gaudio in which she criticized Gaudio's work...well, I think you snarky grammar fiends will get a kick out of it.  Here it is:

So this delusional douchenozzle not only was incredibly rude and haughty in dealing with Gaudio, whose outrage, I feel, was completely justified--but she made herself look like a total hypocrite in the process.  I realize that people aren't as careful about their grammar and spelling in personal correspondence as they are in articles and other things that are meant to be published...but seriously, if you're going to criticize someone else's writing, wouldn't you want to make sure your own writing doesn't suck?  Especially your own writing in correspondence in which you're basically telling someone else that you think their writing sucks?

I'm Team Gaudio on this one.  Team Grammatically-Challenged Plagiarist can go suck it, don't you think?

What stresses you out?

I'm sure you can all guess what stresses me out--bad grammar and spelling, of course!  Problem is, I see it all the freakin' time.  So does MARIE, who found the crazy article above.  Was this writer going for a world record of highest number of errors one can make within 100 words?  We've got screwy spelling, homonym snafus, apostrophes where there shouldn't be any, and random/weird spacing.

I'm actually surprised New York and its metro area (where I live) didn't top the "stressed out cities" list.  (Seriously, Vegas?  Definitely not the city I'd have expected to be the most stressed.)  Riddle me this: If New York's not among the most stressed out cities, then why do so many New Yorkers drive like they're the most stressed out, batshit crazy people on earth?

Thanks, MARIE, for spotting this crazy bunch o' errors!

TO, TOO, TWO TUESDAY for November 2, 2010

Well, baseball season's over. And while I'm kinda disappointed that the Giants were the big winner in the end...looking back, it's been a really fun season.

I went to a bunch of Phillies games at home, including the first game of the NLCS. I went to watch my Twins play in three different cities. In the spring, I went to Yankee Stadium to see my Rangers play the Evil Empire and lose...but that was just the dress rehearsal. During the real show, the ALCS, the Rangers were all like, "Whoa there, Yankees...no World Series for you this year," which was pretty awesome (although less awesome when the Giants took the same sentiment and applied it to my Phillies).

I met Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels, Justin Morneau, and a bunch of other Phillies and Twins. CJ Wilson tweeted me once about Lost (I'm still retardedly giddy about this). I took a zillion pictures and watched as many games on TV, MLB.com, or at the ballpark as I could feasibly squeeze into a season, especially when I have three favorite teams (the hierarchy: Phillies, Twins, and Rangers, in exactly that order).

My Phillies came back from third place mid-season, had a hell of a comeback, and got all the way to the NLCS. They also had the best record in baseball, along with one perfect game and one postseason no-hitter (thanks to the amazing Roy Halladay). Cole Hamels got his groove back, we acquired Roy Oswalt, and hopefully--fingers crossed--in a few short days we'll be rid of that atrocious beard that hangs out in right field.

The Twins were the first team to clinch a postseason berth, and they did so without a clear ace on the pitching staff (note to Twins: PLEASE GET ONE OF THESE SOON). Liriano had a comeback year, Pavano was better than expected, Danny Valencia might be my favorite rookie who played in the 2010 season (I can't wait to see more outta him!), and my favorite Twin, Joe Mauer, got locked up as a part of the Twins organization for a loooooong time to come (yay!).

The Rangers had a hell of a year, too--making it all the way to the Fall Classic. I'm glad Hamilton had a fantastic season, Moreland's emerging as a clutch bat for that team, and it's been a pleasure to watch Colby Lewis and Neftali Feliz exceed expectations. I'm glad the Rangers managed to acquire Lee--now I hope they can hang onto him for a few more seasons.

After all the fun and excitement of the 2010 season, now here I am at the beginning of the offseason. It feels like an eternity between now and spring training. I already miss watching my favorite teams, drooling over baseball sideburns, and playing fantasy baseball. But in the meantime, for the next few months, now I can work on my book, sleep once in a while, and figure out what to send Joe Mauer to sign for me (I've heard he'll sign/send back to you things that you send him during the offseason. I've also heard that the weirdest thing he was ever sent was a pink plastic flamingo. I want to think of something weirder than that to send him, but I don't know what. Any ideas? And please don't suggest undergarments--so tacky and cliche, LOL!), among other things.

I suppose blogging falls under that "other things" umbrella, so here you go--a totally non-baseball-related grammar error. An anonymous submitter sent in this picture, remarking "Obviously a pond for shy fish..."

Happy Tuesday, everyone. (By the way, how the hell did it get to be November already? This is craziness!)