Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Oh, the irony...


I know, I know. I'm a lazy-ass. I haven't written for lord only knows how many days, and then when I do finally decide to show back up and write, I'm mocking a freakin' LOLcat. Usually mocking LOLcat stuff is kinda retarded, since by nature LOLcats are not supposed to have good grammar and spelling (they are "kittehs," after all!). But when the "hooman" in charge of creating the caption makes a deliciously ironic spelling mistake...well, then it's fair Grammarphile game.

"Hooman," if you want to threaten to withhold cheezburgers from an adorable LOLcat, you'd better learn how to spell "grammatically" correctly. It's only fair, y'know!

Original LOLcat picture is here.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas from Red Pen, Inc.

Ahhh, Christmas. A time to visit with family and friends, give and receive gifts, wear your ugly holiday sweaters and have fruitcake, and eat, eat, eat. Here are a few places whose Christmas menus feature more than just holiday goodies...they also boast all sorts of screwy errors!

This one comes courtesy of JUSTIN. "Belgium" waffle sticks and "Apples smoked turkey bacon"? Yeah, I think I'll pass...





And this one comes from JOHN Z. It's a good thing they're serving wine with their "deserts"...homonym errors tend to make me want to drink rather copiously!



To all my fabulous readers--have a fun and safe holiday, and I'll be back with more bad grammar for you next week!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Need a last-minute holiday gift for a grammarian?



OK, last-minute holiday shoppers, if you're unsure about what to get your favorite grammarian* this year, here's an idea for you. Mark Garvey's Stylized is an excellent gift for language lovers and writers alike. It's a well-written (but of course!), witty history of and commentary on the beloved The Elements of Style, which, as many of you know, is an extremely helpful guide to good writing and good grammar.

Fellow grammarphile Garvey was kind enough to do a brief Q&A just for you, my lovely Red Pen, Inc. readers, so read on!

Q: Sometimes rules are made to be broken. Which rule in The Elements of Style are you most tempted to break sometimes, and why?

A: I have kind of a different take on the “rules” of writing. I share E. B. White’s attitude, which is that the guidelines expressed in The Elements of Style, while extremely helpful in hundreds of ways, should never keep a writer from trying whatever he feels like trying. Once you know how good writing works, you should feel free to experiment. White once wrote to a reader:

“Writing is saying what you feel like saying in the way you feel like saying it. There are no rules of writing (who could possibly invent them?) there are only guidelines, and the guidelines can, and should, be chucked out of the window whenever they get in your way or in your hair. I have never paid the slightest attention to ‘The Elements of Style’ when I was busy writing something.”


Q: What's your biggest grammatical pet peeve?

A: I’m not a big collector of peeves, but certain habits of usage can sometimes send a fingernail down my inner chalkboard. I dislike, for example, the reflexive pronoun “myself” being used in place of a simple subjective of objective pronoun (“Lemmy and myself went to the gun show”) or the consistent misuse of “begging the question.”

After a long career in editing, I find I’m less annoyed by specific usage peccadilloes than I am by sloppy, imprecise expression—undercooked writing that’s flabby, poorly thought out, badly organized, that obscures rather than clarifies its author’s meaning.


Q: Every grammar geek, word nerd, etc, has a favorite piece of punctuation. What's yours?

A: If we can take “favorite” to mean my most overused mark of punctuation, it would have to be the dash—it’s just so darned handy.


Q: What is the single most important/helpful piece of advice a writer can take away from The Elements of Style?

A: I think it’s the book’s insistence on clarity. All the other virtues preached in Elements—concision, brevity, organization, etc.—are pursued, really, in the interest of getting one’s meaning across clearly. I also value what the book has to say about not straining for style. Clear the flab and deadwood from your prose, write as naturally as you can, and your style will emerge.


Q: If you could take a word that really, really annoys you and omit it from the dictionary, which word would it be, and why?

A: I’m OK with leaving the dictionary alone; it’s just a mirror of usage, after all. I would, however, be in favor of omitting certain words from common use—for instance, the business-speak neologisms that those of us working in corporate America are forced to live with. I’m thinking of words and phrases like “synergize,” “core competency,” “win-win,” and “thinking outside the box.” True, most of that kind of talk eventually gets mocked out of the culture, but in the meantime, those of us who care about language can find it all a bit mind-numbing.

* * *

Stylized is in stores now. Purchase it and find out more information about the book at http://www.simonandschuster.com/ or by clicking here!


* If I am your favorite grammarian, you do not need to send me a copy of this book, as I already have one. But please do feel free to send me holiday love in the form of booze, shoes, and/or attractive baseball players. I'm not entirely kidding when people ask me what I want for Christmas and I say I want Cole Hamels. ;)

Note: I suppose this qualifies as a semi-sponsored post. I didn't receive any payment to write it, but I was sent a copy of the book to check out. Hopefully this covers my pretty little grammarphile ass when it comes to those crazy new blogger laws!

No, thanks, I don't need your stupidity even if it IS free...


Some of the e-mails I get are really just laughable...like the one above. This pretty much reeks of Engrish. At least I hope this is Engrish...if not, it's a new and unprecedented kind of retardedness. (And no, there's no way in hell I'm going to use their file hosting service. Not a chance.)

This is as good as it get for today, people. I'm fresh out of Hump Day Grammar stuff. Send me perverted grammar/spelling errors so I can do a Hump Day post for you guys next Wednesday...c'mon, you know you want to! ;)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Apparently boobyliciousness inspires stupidity...


So I've made a rather startling revelation this morning:

The girls look really good today.

Ladies, you know what I'm talkin' about. I'm having a seriously boobylicious day. This is unusual for me, as I'm petite and skinny. I don't have a lot of boobylicious days. But today is a rare exception. I've been noticing all morning that I've been getting looks...you know the kind. And I finally figured out why once I looked down and was like, "Well, hey there, cleavage. How you doin'?"

So I'm going to assume that's why the people at the auto glass place I went to this morning acted like total morons.

The auto glass place whose spelling I'm mocking above is not the place I went to this morning, but they're just as much of idiots. If you're in the windshield replacement business and you can't spell windshield replacement, you obviously suck. But I digress.

So I went to get a new windshield this morning. I was in and out in an hour, and everything seemed fine. But then halfway to work, I realized I had a problem. I tried to use my windshield wipers to get the road salt off my pretty new windshield, and they just...wouldn't...go.

So there I sat in traffic, with a bunch of windshield washing fluid on the windshield, not being able to see worth shit, and somehow managed to turn the car around and go back to the auto glass place...

...where it took two guys to figure out that they'd put the wipers back on upside down. Or reversed. Or something. I'm still not 100% clear on exactly how they screwed it up. But I know they had to take both wipers off the car and put them in different positions before the wipers started working properly again.

I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt here and blame the boobs. I'm really hoping these auto glass people are not this stupid on a regular basis and that the stupidity only shows up when there's a nice rack present.

So if any New Yorkers who are male or flat-chested need an auto glass place recommendation, hit me up and I'll get you their info. Fellow boobylicious ladies? You may want to choose another place to go.

In the meantime, I suppose I'll enjoy the attention that a day of boobyliciousness gets me. If I see you around today, I won't even hold it against you if you look down there as opposed to looking me in the eyes!

Monday, December 21, 2009

MISSPELLING MONDAY for December 21, 2009


Who takes their cameras into bathrooms? Grammarphiles do, dammit. And that's how this little Grammarphile caught this misspelling for you...

A few weeks ago I was at an engagement party (congrats to my friends Robin and Daryl!) and spotted this little gem in the bathroom of the restaurant where the party was held. The word "completely" is written so screwily here that I'm not entirely sure what happened. My best guess is that the person started out writing "completly," realized there is supposed to be another e in the word, and then spelled it "completley." Or something like that. It looks like the person who write this wrote the second e on top of that l. Very bizarre, don't you think?

And is it just me, or doesn't common sense dictate that you hold down the flusher to flush the toilet? I felt like this note was sort of a retarded thing to post (and not just because of its screwy spelling!).

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Ugh.


So I'm sick with an ear infection, it hurts to talk, my favorite Phillie just got traded away to Seattle as part of the deal to get Roy Halladay, and now I have to look at stupid who/whom errors made by stupid writers talking about this stupid trade. (OK, there's a good chance this trade will NOT have been stupid for the Phillies, but we just gave away our ace pitcher and some prospects to get a different ace pitcher and different prospects, so it will be interesting to see how this plays out in the 2010 season.)

Regardless, my life is one my-horse-done-gone-and-run-away-from-me away from being a bad country song today. I've been moping around, delirious and sick, in a Hamels shirt, muttering, "You're the hottest one on the team now. Please try to NOT SUCK THIS YEAR."

Ugh. I'm way too sick and cranky to write tonight. Apologies to those of you who have e-mailed me lately; I swear I'll be dropping you notes to say hi, but only when I'm feeling less sick and, more importantly, less bitchy. ;)

Monday, December 14, 2009

Seeing red--red pen, that is...

So I'm still wrapping my mind around last night's Dexter season finale (did anyone else see it? I thought it was quite good...what are your thoughts?), where I saw red--lots and lots of red (blood). And this morning I'm still seeing red...this time in the form of lots of red pen ink.

This little letter was sent in by
GENE. One of his neighbors distributed this letter to all the residents of their apartment complex. Gene wrote his own response to it here. My response to this assault on our delicate grammatical senses will not be as classy as Gene's is, though.




My response would go something like this:

Dear Neighbor:

By law, you are required to get a license to do things like drive and use handguns.

There are days when I think people should also be required to pass a test and get a permit to disseminate written information. This is one of those days.

On a related note, today is also one of those days I strongly feel that people should have to obtain a license to have permission to breed. Because people like you, anonymous note-writing neighbor, will inevitably pass along your bad grammar genes to your spawn. This could actually be considered a form of child abuse...or at least it is in the Grammarphile's little world.

Also, you might want to kindly suggest that the apartment complex begins to offer some adult education courses in English. That would be a hell of a valuable amenity.

Love,

The Grammarphile

Friday, December 11, 2009

LAZY-ASS FRIDAY for December 11, 2009

So I'm introducing a new feature here at Red Pen, Inc. called Lazy-Ass Friday. Really, no further explanation should be necessary. By the time Friday rolls around, I probably haven't slept more than, like, 15 hours all week, I've been pulled in a dozen different directions (by a dozen different writing projects, naturally), and I have little to no patience left because I've inevitably dealt with too much stupidity in the earlier portion of the week. So instead of posting pictures of bad grammar, I'll be posting links to other funny shit on the web that deals with--you guessed it--that combination of bad grammar and retardedness that we've come to love so much.

Today's Lazy-Ass Friday features hilarity found on two of my very favorite blogs--Passive Aggressive Notes and Regretsy. Regretsy, run by a fellow snarky bitch, Helen Killer, is a zillion different kinds of awesome. Regretsy features the best of the worst of the Etsy world (Etsy = crafty, handmade stuff). Kids, the shit Helen Killer finds is truly...remarkable. And astounding. Often frightening. And always hilarious. Regresty's slogan--"Handmade? It looks like you made it with your feet."--is so dead-on.

So from Regretsy, we have this seriously creepy bear/girl painting. If there was ever a bear who was some sort of child molester, this is that bear. But where's the error, you ask? Read the Etsy seller's blurb underneath the creepy-ass painting, where it talks about how "This lucky girl has a best fiend for life." Hahaha...fiend! Spell-check is not your friend, pedophile bear enthusiast...you've gotta actually proofread this stuff...

And I have two giggleworthy Passive Aggressive Notes posts to share with you. First up, a note written by someone who I truly hope does not speak English as his or her first language. Gems from this note: "I would appreciate if you could please make your kids or the noise from the apartment less appears" (um, what?) and "Below you can see the hours of disturb" (and again with the um, what?). If this was written by a native English speaker...for shame!

And also from PAN, a note containing a very amusing phrase. I am sure this idiot meant to say "scapegoat," but instead he said "escape goat." This brings to mind some very hilarious mental pictures. Like of a goat in a lifeboat. Or a goat with a parachute on, jumping out of an airplane. Or the best mental picture I've come up with yet: the goat running so hard and so fast while escaping that it manages to trample the idiot who wrote the note... (Thanks to JUSTIN for sending this link my way!)

OK, that's all the Lazy-Ass Friday you guys get for today...'cause I'm lazy, naturally. ;) Have fabulous weekends, everyone! (On a related note--anyone else gonna be watching the Dexter season finale on Sunday night? I already can't wait!)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Misspellings are even funnier when you're all hyper/giddy and stuff.


I'm in such a silly/hyper/giggly/giddy mood that pretty much anything seems funny to me right now, but this misspelling would be hilarious even if I wasn't so retardedly goofy right now. Not only did they royally screw up the spelling of receptacle, they even screwed it up so badly that they gave it another freakin' syllable when you try to pronounce the misspelling!

Also, what's this "near by" shit? They should have used the word nearby. Unless, of course, By is a person, and the recept-whatever-the-fuck is actually located close to By...

Thanks, KIM, for taking this picture!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I'm the happiest girl in the world...



I can't think about grammar right now because I'm realllllllly freakin' excited.

In exactly 2 months and 26 days (but who's counting?), I finally get to see my favorite band in concert. (OK, I have met them once before, which was AWESOME, and I have seen Matt Bellamy play guitar about 5 feet in front of me for like three seconds, but I haven't actually attended one of their concerts before.)


On March 5, 2010, I finally get to see MUSE. And I couldn't possibly be more freakin' excited about it. *squeal*


Some of you who know me personally know that Muse is very, very special to me because of the impact they've had on this crazy novel I'm writing. I've been wanting to be at one of their live shows for quite some time now, and finally I'm going to get to go to one! Holy creative inspiration...and at the best possible time, too, because if I stay on schedule with the plans for my novel, I'll be finishing up the first full draft right when these boys roll into town. Even listening to Muse's CDs has a very inspirational effect on my writing...and I can't wait to see what sort of effect seeing them live (*squeal*) has on my book!


So please excuse me while I go squeal and squeak and make other silly, girlish noises to indicate my ridiculously high level of excitement. Once I come down from my little Muse high, I'll be back with an intelligent, grammar-related post... :)

Also, a huge thanks to my fabulous mother for getting the ticket for me and for dealing with my Muse-related franticness...I was stuck in a meeting when the ticket presale happened, and so Mama Grammarphile stepped in to save the day! Thanks, Mom...you're the BEST!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

TO/TOO/TWO TUESDAY for December 8, 2009


**IF YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN THIS PAST SUNDAY'S EPISODE OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, THIS POST MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS...READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!**

I suppose this Entertainment Weekly reviewer was too caught up in wondering whose lifeless-looking hand was hanging out of the window of the Santa's Workshop that the small plane crashed into (on this past Sunday's episode of Desperate Housewives) that he didn't notice the silly homonym error he made. Sigh.

For the record, I hope Orson's the one who's dead. I liked his character, but I like Karl's character better--and it seems like Karl's storyline, not Orson's, is going somewhere since Karl is marrying Bree (well, unless he just got taken out by an airplane) and Orson is divorcing Bree. Did any of you guys watch this episode the other night? If so, what do you think is in store for the ladies of Wisteria Lane once the show resumes after the holidays?

Monday, December 7, 2009

MISSPELLING MONDAY for December 7, 2009


Dear today's youth,

Considering that the above screenshot came from a job search resource for teachers, and that "teacher" has proven to be too challenging a word to spell correctly, you guys are really kinda fucked, aren't you?

Love,
The Grammarphile

(Thanks to LINDA for spotting this error!)

Friday, December 4, 2009

Fewer things piss me off more than this particular error...


I asked for fewer grammar errors.
Nobody fucking listened.
I feel drunk because I had to have some vodka after looking at this ad.

Also: We usually do food-related things on Friday, but I'm too lazy today to do a Foodie Friday post. But I've got a food-related, Red Pen-worthy story for you...just click here (thanks, JIM, for finding this article!).

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

HUMP DAY GRAMMAR for December 2, 2009


It's Hump Day, and the Queen of Peen (also known as the lovely LadyStyx) has sent us...some peen! (Really, at this point, what else is she gonna send? She's got a reputation to uphold here.)

But seriously, you guys...refried penis? What the fuck?

Happy Hump Day, you crazy kids, and please try your best to refrain from frying any penises...let alone re-frying them. *shakes head*