Friday, January 16, 2009

More proof that The Grammarphile has a freak magnet implanted somewhere in her pretty little body.


OK, there's totally a difference between a cute little kitty having a foot fetish...and a weird, pervy guy having a foot fetish.

Who remembers my run-in with Mr. Home Depot Motorized Scooter Man (sounds like a "Real Men of Genius" name, doesn't it?)? You know, the one who followed me around the store talking to me about my stiletto heels? If you haven't heard this story yet, you must click here. (It's legendary. Seriously.)

So I know you're thinking, "But that happened back in April. Why bring it up again now?"

Here's why. Last night I needed to buy salt--like the kind you throw on your driveway to melt the snow. I went to Home Depot to buy it because that was the closest place for me to go. And despite the fact that the temperature's in the single digits, there I am, wearing open-toed stiletto heels, as usual. So I hop out of my car, I'm freezing my ass off, I'm walking briskly, and I hear--

"HEY!!! Nice heels!"

There he was. Mr. Home Depot Motorized Scooter Man. He was about 30 feet away from me in the parking lot. I had no fucking idea how he knew I was wearing heels. Could he see the stilettos from that far away? Does he have some sort of crazy high heel radar?

I just smiled, waved, and RAN THE FUCK AWAY. Can you blame me? I really do get sick of my freak magnet sometimes, even though it does provide me with some funny-as-hell stories.

So this foot "fettish" post is dedicated to the one and only Mr. Home Depot Motorized Scooter Man, whom I hope I never have to encounter again. He's very friendly, but he's also really freakin' WEIRD.

18 comments:

Laura Payne said...

Thanks for the Friday laughs. No thanks for getting the "Real Men of Genius" song stuck in my head. I think I must have a few beers to get it out. Have a great weekend.

THE GRAMMARPHILE said...

Quite welcome, Laura! Enjoy those beers...and have a great weekend! :)

Flartus said...

Oh, I hate to do this, but did you really "hope out of" your car? And what the heck are you doing wearing open-toed shoes in this weather?? Brrrr.

Erika said...

OMG - he really is too much - isn't he?! Why do I feel like he has some interesting stories from his childhood?

THE GRAMMARPHILE said...

@ Flartus: I had hope on the brain--I was *hoping* I didn't run into that freak. ;)

And I never wear closed-toed shoes unless there is actually snow on the ground. I know, I know--I'm a weird girl!

THE GRAMMARPHILE said...

@ Erika--Yeah, I'm sure he has some *very* interesting stories from his childhood. Hopefully he'll never get the opportunity to tell me any of 'em, though! ;)

Dave said...

Good post...Friday lolz are always appreciated (and they help me keep my sanity intact while dealing with the BS in my office). I get the feeling Mr. Home Depot Motorized Scooter Man is a combination of several things that always seem to go together..like peanut butter and jelly - very nice, very weird, and very 'special'...special as in he rode the 'smaller' bus to school as a kid. haha

THE GRAMMARPHILE said...

The funny thing is--I mentioned Mr. Home Depot Motorized Scooter man to a friend at work...and he TOTALLY knew who I meant. This dude's notorious!

LadyStyx said...

I never seem to attract freaks (unless you count my first husband..., thank heavens! Might be because when Im by myself I have a way of walking around lookin like Im going to slug the crap out of anyone that bothers me..

Brian said...

I was going to get into this on the last post about SuperScooter, but thought: better left alone.

So in the interest of your sanity, and SuperScooter not getting pepper-sprayed, lets delve into:

“Brian's Guide To Fetishes, Perversions, And Other Fun Family Activities For The Weekend.”

Despite what it may feel like, (about a 7 of the Creep-O-Meter,) you have nothing to fear from SuperScooter. His interest isn't in you, it's truly the shoes.

I did a tour one year with a Drum Tech. who is on the Shoe Train Express. He was one of the coolest guys I've been on the road with. When my girlfriend, -who all the other guy fell over themselves trying to talk to,- he just looked at her shoes and told her how hot they were. To which she was very accommodating, and stopped and let him look. She gets creeped-out easily and she thought this guy was great.

Having studied behavioral science for many years, as well as being a poorly socialized, maladjusted individual, I keep way too abreast of these types of things.

However, if one of your shoes were to come off by accident, use caution retrieving it, you could pull back a stump.

Me. All I can say, is if I see any of you girls in a Velpeau Sling, expect to find yourself in the trunk of my car, with an evening of appendage ecstasy to follow.

THE GRAMMARPHILE said...

LadyStyx, I'm jealous. I don't look like I could even give somebody a mean look, let alone like I could slug anybody. Sigh. And for that reason, I'm prime freak bait.

THE GRAMMARPHILE said...

@ Brian: That dude's too damn creepy to deserve a glimpse of my shoes. And those were just my rather mundane Nine Wests. Can you imagine if he ever saw my Miu Mius? *shudder*

Brian said...

Miu Miu. You didn't say anything about Mui Muis'.

What the Hell are you thinking?

You can't just go traipsing by in a pair of Sandali Sequin Slides and expect a guy to just do nothing.

You're gonna let all your shit hang out like that? Put some God damn socks on.

If you're going to go around like that you're just asking for it.

THE GRAMMARPHILE said...

I haven't worn the Miu Mius yet. There's too much snow on the ground! I will NOT ruin my most expensive and prettiest pair of shoes in the snow.

EVula said...

As a total aside to all of the above, that story (the first encounter with the Home Depot guy) was one of the first entries I read on this blog, and one of the reasons I decided to keep coming back.

Glad to see it make a return, despite the personal cost to our favorite Grammarphile. ;)

THE GRAMMARPHILE said...

Ha! Well, then that's one good thing that Mr. Home Depot Motorized Scooter Fan did--he gave me blog material that was SO entertaining that you couldn't help but come back to this blog! :) (Next time I'm stuck and need blog material, I'm putting on my tallest stilettos and taking a little stroll around Home Depot.)

EVula said...

The lengths you'll go to for your fans... that's dedication right there.

Insanity too, quite possibly. But let's focus on the positive and go with "dedication" instead. ;)

THE GRAMMARPHILE said...

There was a pair of shoes I tried on last night that would have been perfect for this admitttedly insane endeavor. 5", gold snakeskin stiletto Juicy Couture heels. At a VERY good discount. I didn't buy them because I have no outfits to match them...but they'd be the PERFECT shoes to traipse around in, trying to attract freaks so that I have something to write about...

Although I do hope that I never get such a bad case of writer's block that I have to resort to that. :)