Friday, May 16, 2008

The Grammarphile snarks it up in a letter to President Bush.


Dear Dumbo,

I don't know if that's a reference to your big-ass ears or your intelligence level (or lack thereof), but I'm none too pleased with you. Mr. President, let's get one thing clear: This is my BILF. You hear that? MY. BILF. Mine. That means not yours. He is on my fantasy baseball team. He was my first pick. I'm not usually a selfish individual, but there are exceptions to this rule. Anytime an attractive baseball player is involved, I get a little selfish. MY BILF. I know that that might be difficult for you to understand, since that sentence was two syllables long and you may not have understood the challenging vocabulary I used there, but please, for the sake of all that's BILFalicious, try to comprehend what I'm saying and not just furrow your brow in a confused manner. Can you do that for me, Dubya?

See, here's the thing. I have lots of BILFs. I have BILFs that are actually on my fantasy baseball team, and then I have my honorary BILFs. Cole Hamels is on my fantasy baseball team, and he is a BILF in every sense of the word. Then there are folks like Jeff Francoeur and Pat Burrell, who are honorary BILFs because some jerks swiped them during the draft before I could get to them myself, and then there are other honorary BILFs like Greg Dobbs, who I'm sure is still available for me to add to my team if I wanted to, but unfortunately he usually only gets to pinch-hit, and so he sits in the Phillies' dugout looking totally BILFtastic but does not actually DO much to warrant being on a team of my actual BILFs.

But then, Dubya, there's Chase Utley. He, like Mr. Hamels, is a BILF in every sense of the word. He was my first pick in the draft this year. That's right. I didn't pick Hanley Ramirez. I didn't pick Johan Santana. I picked Chase Cameron Motherfucking Utley, and I picked him because he's hot and he's talented and there is no second baseman who currently plays baseball who is anywhere near as amazing as Chase Utley is. I picked him and his BILFiness over anyone else I could have picked in the draft. He is Captain BILF. He is Head BILF. And he is mine, you jackass. You can't have him. You're not cool. You are SO not worthy of this fabulous specimen of BILF--this epitome of BILFdom! You are a gun-totin', Texas-drawlin', bomb-dropping, chokin'-on-a-pretzel, pea-brained half-wit who probably didn't understand even one iota of this sentence. It's OK, Dumbo. Just smile weakly and nod. Save your energy; I'm not through with you yet.

I don't argue your taste in baseball players. You're right on about that. But I am seriously, seriously pissed that you and I have anything in common. For 27 years I've lived my life being the total opposite of you: smart, well-spoken, peaceful... And now you've gotta go and like the same favorite baseball player that I like. And then you come out in public admitting you'd pick him first for a baseball team, as if anyone would ever let you manage anything ever again, and as if you'd ever even be cool enough to draft a fantasy team of your own. Dubya, if you could even manage to spell ESPN.com correctly to go get your own damn fantasy team, I'd be impressed. We know that'll never happen. So quit your damn dreaming. Keep your hands off my BILF. You are not even worthy enough to speak his name in interviews with the press. His name is too fabulous to roll off the tongue of the likes of you. I mean, seriously, could you have sounded any more like a bumbling idiot when you started talking about him? In case you forget what you said, which is a distinct possibility given who we're dealing with here, let me refresh your paltry little memory. You said: "I like Utley from the Philadelphia Phillies... He's a middle infielder, which is always, you know, they say strength up the middle. There's nothing better than having a good person up the middle that can hit." Uggghhh. "Strength up the middle," Dubya? How eloquent of you. "There's nothing better than having a good person up the middle that can hit"? You do realize that when Utley's actually standing in the middle of the field, he's not hitting anything, right? He's fielding then, for Christ's sake! Did you not formerly do something important with some silly American League baseball team, like manage them or something? Could you maybe talk a little more intelligently about baseball? I'm a 27-year-old girl who calls her fantasy baseball team the goddamn BILFs, and even I can talk more intelligently about baseball than you can--and half the time I'm really just admiring how nice those BILFmazing players look in their pinstripes!

MY BILF, Dubya. Mine. I thought he was cool way before you ever did. If you want to admire a baseball player, go check out the freakin' Nationals, who are right in your neck of the woods (I hear they love you and would never, ever boo you at a game); rumor has it Ryan Zimmerman's pretty decent. Go pick a favorite player on that awful team that I hate that's based in Boston; you evil things deserve each other. But leave my BILFtastic Utley alone. He is entirely too cool for you.

BILFically territorial,
The Grammarphile

P.S. You suck worse than the San Diego Padres and the Detroit Tigers. Loser.

P.P.S. I'm nowhere near as good at writing letters as this guy is, so if you thought my letter was mildly amusing, go over to BRETT's site because his letters are way better than mine. You'll laugh your ass off, guaranteed. He's actually funny--I'm just a BILF-chasing grammar geek!

4 comments:

PearLady said...

Try being from the same state. *sigh*
Good news: only a few months left! (well, maybe a bit more, but I'm trying to be positive here. LOL)

Becky said...

I hate when people use "than" when they should use "who"! It seems to be a very common error in sports interviews, actually.

THE GRAMMARPHILE said...

Oh, PearLady, you have my sympathies...

THE GRAMMARPHILE said...

Becky, thanks for being sweet and kind even though I totally insulted your sports team in this post. ;)